Six Things That Never Happened
by reioyamada
Summary: A collection of 6 humorous and random drabbles per chapter. UPDATE: Randomness and ...character death?
1. Chapter 1

A collection of weird and random drabbles. If you like it review, if you don't, well, don't.

DISCLAIMER: You know that I don't own them. You know that. But I'll say it again – I don't own them.

**SIX THINGS THAT HAVE NEVER HAPPENED TO THE JUSTICE LEAGUE**

"Ha-ha-ha! I have finally put you in a no-win situation, Superman! Once that I have entered the code this cryptonite bomb will kill you!"

Superman only watched, trapped in a force field, as Lex Luthor approached the control pad. He thought to himself: "This seems to be the end…" To his surprise, Luthor stopped and scratched in his in the most unusual manner. A puzzled and somewhat blank expression

made its way to his face. And with a sigh he said: "I… forgot…the code"

* * *

"Master Wayne, I'm afraid that I have terrible news for you."

"…"

"It seemed that your multiple donations and the expenses related to your night job are finally affecting your finances."

"…"

"In a few words, you're broke."

"…"

"…"

"Damn it…"

* * *

The popular TV show "What you should be afraid to ask" host John Johnson screamed enthusiastically: "AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME THE MOST IMPORTANT FEMALE SUPERHEROINE ON EARTH… WONDER WOMAN!" The aforementioned superheroine walked into the studio with a pleasant smile. She took a seat and began in a diplomatic tone: "Thank you for inviting me. I think this is a great opportunity for me to express my belie…" Wonder Woman was rudely interrupted then the host yelled again: "THANK YOU FOR COMING TO…" The audience chimed in: "WHAT YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID TO ASK!" "THAT'S RIGHT! AND NOW…ON WITH OUR QUESTIONS!" Wonder Woman unsuccesfully attempted to say something. "QUESTION # 1! FROM OUR VIEWERS IN KENTUCKY! IF YOU'RE GREEK, WHY ARE NAMED AFTER A ROMAN GODESS?" "Erhm… I don't really…I don't…my mother…she…" "QUESTION # 2! OUR VIEWERS IN LOUISIANA WANT TO KNOW WHY YOUR COSTUME HAS GOT THE COLOURS OF THE AMERICAN FLAG IF YOU'RE GREEK?" "Well, I haven't really thought about it, I… It was made that way, I don't know!" "QUESTION # 3 AND 4 FROM OUR VIEWERS IN TEXAS! IF ON YOUR ISLAND THERE ARE ONLY WOMEN, DOES IT MEAN THAT YOU'RE ALL LESBIANS? AND HOW DO YOU REPRODUCE?" Three seconds of painful silence later, a WonderWoman-shaped hole had appeared on the studio's ceiling.

* * *

The Flash had gotten a call in order to stop in a interplanetary conflict between two alien races. Normally this kind of mision would go to Superman or Wonder Woman or anybody else on the League, but everyone but him was beyond reach. Apparently, both races had been accusing each other of trying to exploit their planet's natural resources. Who was right and who was the evil invader? That was for the Flash to find out… Actually, the young superhero usually used one method to uncover the truth and so far it had been failproof. The ugly and/or monster-like ones were the bad ones. The humanoid and/or wise-looking ones were the good ones.

Flash arrived at the scene of the interplanetary conflict, where he was to be greeted by representatives of both races, a few nanoseconds later. Two hideous, big-toothed, huge-clawed, scale-covered (one green and one yellow) monsters were waiting for him. Identical blood-thirsty grins widened at him. Two armies, both fully equiped with tanks, big guns and rockets, waited for the battle. And both representatives greeted him with a polite and dignified "Hello, honourable hero" Flash's brain had never been this close to exploding.

* * *

After finishing a mission Shayera was running late for a meeting at the Watchtower. Normally she would not worry, but this was the only meeting of the year that was worth attending (monitor duty was assigned). But, unfortunately, the transporter had been slightly broken and she had to get to a randevouz point, which happened to be New York's center in order to be beamed up from there.

Cursing the Flash, because everything was always Flash's fault, Shayera went outside and was about to take a taxi, when she discovered that there was a chaos on the streets called "rush hour". So the winged woman decided to take the subway. Big mistake.

Four crazy people assaulted her, screaming "an angel! A sign of Apocalipse!". Her wings got more damaged because of all the people pushing and trying to pass, when they ever had been damaged in a fight. And she had lost what felt like half of her the feathers that were pulled out for souvenirs. Seventeen people asked her for an autograph, two confessed their undying love (one of them called her Wonder Woman) and thirteen took pictures.

Finally (and two hours late for the meeting) Shayera arrived at the randevouz point, where she was succesfully beamed up. Her hair and feathers were equally messed up and ruffled and she was sweaty and red. As she entered the conference room, everyone was still there. At Superman's announce that her monitor duty time was the worst, Shayera felt calm, very calm. She calmly and silently left and came back wielding her mace, calmly slammed it in the center of the round table and calmly attempted to bash Superman's head, all that with a neutral expression. Monitor duty was immediately reassigned.

* * *

The Javelin had been going around in circles for about an hour.

"Are we lost?"

"No, we are just a bit off course!"

"Can't we stop for directions?"

"But we are in space!"

"Typical of men. They won't stop for directions and just keep making excuses!"

"But we're in SPACE! We can't stop and ask for directions!"

"So where are we going anyway?"

"Nowhere, unless we STOP FOR DIRECTIONS!"

"WE ARE IN SPACE!"

"They have got cabin fever. We are so dead."

* * *

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this. I'm doubting myself and especially my mental health.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, I got such nice feedback on the last chapter that I have decided to continue this with some new drabbles. So read and enjoy. And yes, kryptonite IS spelled with a k. Sorry.

SIX THINGS THAT HAVE NEVER HAPPENED TO THE JUSTICE LEAGUE-2

John Stewart woke up at six a.m., just like he did every morning. The problem was that his mission the day before had stolen most of the night, so John was still asleep when he got up and walked to the bathroom. He leaned over the sink, turned on the water and began splashing his face. Suddenly John felt his Green Lantern ring (of which he never separated if he could avoid it) slipping of his finger. Before the ex-marine could react, the ring was already way down the drain. "Damn it" – thought John, - "they are not going to like this up there in Oa". They didn't.

* * *

J'onn J'onnz had never really had any interaction with common people from Earth. Perhaps that was why he was now at a loss while an Earthling stood in front of him. It was a teenage girl of about fifteen. She had big blue eyes, blond hair and was dressed in full-body green suit that was supposed to resemble his own. The girl looked at him with wide open eyes, perfectly silent, and there was something that in her gaze that scared J'onn. If he had not been a superhero, he might have run. He wanted to run. He actually attempted to fly away but the girl grabbed his boot and screamed in an awfully high-pitched voice: "Don't go! I love you, J'onn! I am your soulmate, I know! I love you! I know we can be happy together!" This shocked the martian so that he landed back on the ground. The girl went back to silent mode.

He then saw Batman approaching them. The Dark Knight had probably noticed J'onn's prolonged absence from the crime scene thay had been investigating (which the alien left in order to gather his thoughts) and was coming to his rescue. But as the fellow superhero approached him, the martian noticed the smirk on his face. Batman watched the scene for a moment before saying: "Never knew you had a groupie". He then walked away. J'onn just stood there with the girl still clinging to his boot. This was going to take a while.

* * *

Kara Kent was bored. She was currently alone at the farm. And grounded. She took a book from the shelves. Five minutes later the teenager put it back. Finally, Kara decided to do something she almost never did since most of the people she trusted had adviced her against it. The girl would watch TV.

She settled on the couch and flicked through the channels, that were five in total. Kara tried the news, the sports and the weather before deciding for an anime marathon. At first, she was bored, but then became thrilled. Not so much by the plot, but by one of characters. She was beautiful, strong and had actually a few things in common with Kara herself. Her hair and her eyes, for instance. And the kryptonian just loved her costume. After the marathon ended, Kara had made a decision. This grounding was probably a sign from the sky and now she knew what to do. The worl didn't need a female Superman wannabe. Supergirl was to be no more, instead a new hero would rise.

When Clark arrived home, he found his cousin busy over her costume. She added a bow to the front and cut her skirt shorter. The "S" was also gone. But Clark decided to wait until morning to enquire what this was all about. But he didn't get a chance as Metropolis was attacked.

Superman was easily dealing with the henchmen of Lex Luthor as a shadow came over the battle scene. Everyone turned and saw Supergirl, no, not Supergirl. It was Kara, but she had a new, weird style. The girl then shouted: "I am the Soldier of Love and Justice. I am Sailor Moon!" The henchmen started to giggle. If there ever was a moment then Clark wanted to disappear from the face of Earth, it was this.

* * *

As the seven founding members of the Justice League along with a few chosen others made their way to the conference room, the Question got ready for his report. He had called them all and said that it was a matter of great importance. Finally, they were settled and Vic Sage begun. "Fellow Leaguers, it seems that I have discovered the greatest conspiracy of all. In truth, we are only parts of commercial franchises used by the government in order to keep children from reading real books. They make movies, TV shows, cartoons and all kinds of merchandise. They write our lives and if they don't like how something turned out they claim it happened in another universe. We have died and been reborn. We have had dozens of versions. Our families, our friends,our lives had been invented. Thousands enjoy our suffering. In a few words, we have been invented by people…real people" After seeing the shocked faces of his companions, the Question smirked underneath his mask: "No, actually that was an April Fools joke. Heh. Can't believe you bought it" With that, he left the room.

* * *

Black Canary was really not in the mood for going outside. And she had a damn good reason, too. But Dinah could not ignore an emergency call from Green Arrow.

When the superheroine arrived at the scene of crime, she saw a bunch of goons beating the crap out of a half-conscious Ollie. "Why today?" – she wondered before going into action. Black Canary sent the ones currently punching her boyfriend flying and then engaged in hand to hand combat with the other five. Green Arrow jumped back to his feet and begun helping her. After a few muntes of combat, he finally asked: "Hey, why don't you just use your canary cry and we go out for a pizza?" Her glare made him wish that he had kept his mouth shut.

Finally, the heroes won. Green Arrow turned to Dinah: "And why exactly didn't you use canary cry?" The woman pointed to her throat and made a weird noise. "Wait, don't tell me that you have got the flu and lost you voice?" Black Canary nodded. Ollie broke out laughing. She punched him in the face.

* * *

Helena Bertinelli entered her appartment through the window, threw her mask and cape over the couch and collapsed in front of her computer. First, Huntress checked her mail. "ConspiracyTheories110", "ConspiracyTheories111" and "ConspiracyTheories112" from Question immediately ended up in the "spam" section, like had the previous one hundred and nine letters. The woman checked the one labeled "JLU Notice, Important", but that turned to be only an announcement: "Airlock Accidents and How to Prevent Them" that she didn't even read. There was also a letter from Black Canary: "Girl's night 'morrow? I'll kick your ass!" Huntress replied with a short: "Try, Blondy Chick". Yet another advertisement from "Anger Management Anonymous". If she ever found out who sent her these twice a day… And another "JLU Notice", which read:

"_Dear member/ reserve member/ ex-member with access to the Watchtower, _

_We kindly remind you that the Watchtower is NOT a hotel/ love motel/ your house. Therefore, bringing your wife/ kids/ mistress/ family members/ friends/ acquaintances and/or hobos for a temporary/permanent stay is UNACCEPTABLE. Even if that stay is a for one night. Thank you for your attention. Have a nice day_"

Helena sighed and was about to go to bed when she noticed seventeen more letters of "ConspiracyTheories" had arrived. The young woman groaned and punched the screen of her computer in annoyance. It broke. Maybe she should give "Anger Managent Anonymous" a try, after all…

* * *

Well, that was some more randomness. R&R, no flames, please.


	3. Chapter 3

So, we go on! Thank you, my reviewers and I apologize for taking my time – been real busy! Also, The Dark Knight was one of the best movies I've ever seen! Not that it has something to do with this fic, though…

DISCLAIMER: DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS THAT YOU RECOGNIZE

**Six Things That Never Happeed To The Justice League - 3**

Vixen walked into the set where a very important photo session was about to be held. Her outfit on that hot summer day was a most unusual - she was wearing a trenchcoat, a baseball cap and big sunglasses. The heroine was immediately approached by the photographer, the make-up artist and basically her whole crew. They all started talking and attempted to begin their work. Slowly, Vixen took off her garments. First the glasses, then the cap and finally the trenchcoat. A loud "AHHH!" came from the little crowd and the make-up artist passed out. Mari's face as well as the rest of her body (at least, the visible part) was covered in multiple bruises, cuts and other unmistakble signs of a fierce battle. Her agent jumped forward and screamed: "Your other identity just killed us! Vixen just killed us! We are dead! Dead!" But Mari was not one to give up without a fight: "Well, what was I supposed to do? Let dozens of people die at the hands of a maniac?" Her agent paused for a second and then replied: "But you could have at least been more careful! If we don't have a social campaigne starring you by today's evening, we are dead! And in those conditions you really won't be able to promote the preservation of the deserts!" The P.R. specialist remarked weakly: "Rainforests…" "Whatever! Now we need a new campaigne and a new model!" The lawyer said then: "Our contract stipulates that Mari here is the face of the campaigne, only her and no-one else" The agent started to run around in circles over the set, followed by most of the crew, except the still-passed-out make-up artist and the supermodel/superheroine herself.

After five minutes of watching the manager, Vixen finally interrupted his jogging session. "I know what we can do…"

A couple days later, Vixen's beaten and slightly bloodied face, looking sad and defenseless, was plastered all across the cities. The slogan? "Stop domestic violence!"

* * *

Flash and Batman disagreed on many things, however, they did agree that this was the most warped up, disturbing and overall wrong alternate dimension ever. Heck, the Justice Lords were better than this. They could deal with alternate versions of themselves being evil dictators, but this was too much. Just too much… "THE BOOSTER GOLD LEAGUE", consisting of Booster Gold, Booster-man, Booster-Gold-Man, Booster-Gold-Girl, Booster-Woman, Green-Booster-Gold, Red-Booster-Gold and Alien-Booster-Gold with a lot of reserve "Booster" members, took care of protecting this reality from the evil "ANTI-BOOSTER-GOLD-LEAGUE" with members such as Anti-Booster-Girl, Booster-Silver, Doctor-Booster and, of course, the arch-nemesis, Anti-Booster-Gold. Their adventures took part in Boosterland, with cities such as Boostertown, Boosterville and Skeets-city. The streets in every single cities blinded with their combination of blue and gold, all people dyed their hair blond and every single product found in the stores was "Booster-pre-approved".

After leaving, they agreed to never bring up that nightmare again. Especially not in front of Booster Gold, who spend a good two months trying to figure out why, whenever Flash or Batman saw him, they would immediately turn on the opposite direction with groans and if he tried to talk to them, they'd run. At least that gave Booster a reason to claim he was the most menacing superhero in the Justice League.

* * *

"_The legacy of the Batman must go on… forever"_ And with it must go on all of its parts no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Trust me, I know. It all started many years ago, when the Batman was still considered a criminal and chased around by the authorities.

On that night I was, as usual, taking the night shift in my little cafeteria and falling asleep from boredom. No clients would venture out at night in Gotham, but I still felt that a night shift was needed. Why? Perhaps it was fate… Anyway, he appeared just out of nowhere in front of the counter. He looked strange in the light, out of his element. I froze. Rumors about Batman, some of them very disturbing, had been flooding Gotham in that time. I was scared, but my fear was replaced by surprise as the Dark Knight placed a twenty-dollar bill on the counter and said in a more or less human voice: "A cup of black and keep the change". The surrealism of the situation almost made me laugh, but he didn't look like the kind of man who would take that kindly. So I served him his coffee and he vanished in the blink of an eye.

I thought that was it, but next week he showed up again. And the week after that twice. He would come and go, sometimes disappearing for a while. But one thing stayed the same – a cup of black coffee with no sugar. Guess he wasn't very fond of change.

But I was proven wrong at least partially when the boy appeared. For the next few years he was a usual customer, his order always being a frappe and a chocolate muffin. The girl would show up often too, a cappuchino and a few cookies every time. I can't say I knew them well, although I'd give advice then asked, make small talk then needed and serve them the coffee they needed. I guess in a way I helped them a couple of times, not big time, but I like to think my coffee and my words were useful. They had helped me too – gave me money once when my kid was in the hospital and needed surgery. How they knew was beyond me. Also, I'm guessing they have supported my little cafeteria in some way, since it would have been an utter failure otherwise.

I suppose that I know a few things about the Bat-family that could be used against them. Such as the fact that Batman's new partner is his old partner or that Batgirl's father is a cop. But those are things I'll never tell. Why? Because I am a part of the legay of the Bat, a small perhaps, but an important one. At least, for them. I may not be a hero, I may not be a sidekick and I'm surely not a villain… I am just the Bat-coffee-guy!

SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE:

A figure clad in a black costume with a red emblem landed in front of the counter, as always coming from nowhere. The lovely young girl with a blue apron smiled at him: "Rough night?" The Batman replied: "As usual…" She immediately placed a cupn of steaming coffee with sugar and a few fruit muffins in a paper bag. "Here you go" He nodded, placed a twenty on the counter and vanished in a blink of an eye.

* * *

Zatanna was waiting outside of a museum, which would be robbed that night according to an anonymous tip. It was around midnight, but since the place was just in front of a highway, cars passed by every second.

The woman was rather tired – another mission had taken place earlier. So she leaned across a streetlight facing the main entrance. "Come on" – the magician muttered to herself: "If you want to rob it now would be a perfect time" Her annoyed thoughts were interrupted when a car pulled over by the streetlight. Inside were two men.

"Hello, baby. Waiting for some company tonight?" – one said in a suggestive tone. The second one added: "Love your suit, honey. I 'll pay you an extra fifty for it. What d'ya say?" It took Zatanna a shamefully long time to realize what exactly the men were talking about. When she did, her face filled with colour as the woman started yelling: "What is WRONG with you? Can't you see I'm a Justice League member? I'll sue you for this, no, turn you into frogs! Yeah, that's right!"

"So, tell me again, Zatanna, what exactly happened?" Supeman really hated these meetings and even more he hated to put members on probation. "You were assigned to keep safe a museum, but got sidetracked, which resulted in a priceless sculpture getting stolen." The magician just sighed. "And to make it worst, two frogs in a car were found in the crime scene" Zatanna tried not to look pleased with herself and replied: "All you have to do to reverse the spell is kiss them. Nothing else" As Supeman processed this information a disgusted expression appeared on his face. Zatanna walked out of the room, knowing she had gotten suspended. Maybe she would use the time for a costume change. After all, it was not the first time something like that had happened.

* * *

"What is this?!" – Stargirl burst into the conference room, completely outraged. She was closely followed by Vigilante, Doctor Light, Fire and Ice, who appeared to be furious. Slightly behind were S.T.R.I.P.E.S. and Shining Knight, both looking embarassed and unsure on whether they should be there or not. Stargirl was carrying something that she smashed into the table with all her might.

The seven founding members stared at it for a while before noticing that the object was in fact a Barbie doll. A Barbie doll clad in a Stargirl costume. "What the h…" –she glancecd back and corrected herself, - "What on Earth is this?" Superman got up, looking embarassed, but before he got a chance to say anything, three other Barbies, two Kens and a robot/accessory-toy were smashed into the table as well. "We just kinda needed…erhm… to promote our image. You know.. make our less known heroes more popular" After that slight tactical mistake, a shower of loud complaints, threats and inquirings rained on the Man of Steel. "They got my colours wrong! Can you believe that?" – complained Ice, while Fire raged about female rights and integrity. Doctor Light was mad because she wasn't asked about it and she would have gladly agreed with Fire, if the Brazilian superheroine hadn't been raging on her native tongue. Vigilante was furious since Barbie dolls were "girl's toys" so they might give the "wrong idea"out to his fans. Shining Knight thought little replicas of him were rather demonic and S.T.R.I.P.E.S. was trying to stay polite as he wondered why, exactly, he had been cathegorized as a Stargirl accessory. Stargirl herself had started yelling at Superman things about his cousin and about how she was not a less of a hero than Supergirl. The unfortunate hero tried to explain, while the other six members didn't look eager to deal with their angry comrades. Finally, Batman had enough.

A bat-a-rang wheezed through the room, emiting a high, unpleasant sound that made everyone go quiet. "One, you signed a contract, so this is legitimate. Two, you ARE less known heroes. And three, you each will get two million dollars a month out of this" – the Dark Knight said in his usual expressionless voice. After a long pause Stargirl picked up her Barbie and said: "Well, it's not that big a deal" All the others, but Shining Knight agreed with and left the room, sir Justin being dragged of by Vigilante. "Now, next on our agenda…The Justice Plushies?"

* * *

Flying over New York, Superman, as always, had his superhearing up in order to pick up trouble, sometimes even before it arose. A particularly high pitched voice drew his attention: "Rachel, this light bill is outrageous. I told you to take the Christmas lights down weeks ago!" The Man of Steel chuckled a little, since June was closing in. "Very well, Monica. I'm taking the lights down right now!" - "No, Rache, wait, it's slippery" – "Aaah!" The kryptonian sighed and in a second the unfortunate woman was back on her balcony. "You should be more careful, miss" – he said with his shining smile to her and her roommate shocked faces. "Aha…" – answered the one he had saved, a rather pretty young woman with a nice tan, while the other one, black haired and pale, said: "Sure…" "Well, have a nice day, ladies" – with those word he took off and the last he heard of the two women was: "Wait 'till we tell the guys we saw Superman!"

* * *

Heh, heh, heh… An easy guess, but whoever can tell me the last crossover gets a virtual cookie! And, yes, I know it's impossible but it was kinda fun! Anyway, I expect your reviews and opinions… See ya!


	4. Chapter 4

And the cookies go to

And the cookies go to... XxXFairyQueenXxX, Angel Of Darkness513, naria-satome and jcoqqinsa. Yes, it was Friends. Hope that you enjoy them! This one also has got a crossover, but within the DCAU. Anyway, here we go…R&R

**SIX THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO THE JUSTICE LEAGUE: VILLAIN SPECIAL**

How many people do get the chance to take part in a hostage situation? Every tenth, every seventh, one in a hundred? Yeah, right…

Twenty-seven. The number of times I've been taken hostage, whether individually or in group. Going to the bank, the supermarket, to work or even taking a little jog in the park. All those routine activities have been interrupted over and over again by different maniacs. Lex Luthor trying to kill Superman, the Joker planting bombs in the city, Gorilla Grodd turning people into monkeys, Luthor again and some weirdo blue-haired chick demanding the cease of World War I. Yeah, I know.

Anyway, it really affects you after a while. I made my therapist a rich man but everytime I went outside and got caught in the middle of somebody's plans all those sessions were flushed down the toilet. I swear, it took me hours to convince myself just to go out to the balcony.

Anyway, those days of fear are over now. I have figured out how to stop those villains from terrorizing people anymore. It's so simple I am surprised nobody figured it out yet. If I kill the Justice League then all the bad guys will quit – isn't that obvious?

I will have to apologize to you all for taking you hostage now. I understand better than anybody how traumatic this experience can be. So I am sorry. But you see, if my plan works than this will be the only time this happens to you…. Although if I don't succeed this time I'll have to try over and over again… But the end justifies the means, eh?

* * *

"Good morning, mister Luthor" – said the young woman, a psychiatrist assigned to the villain, as she walked into the room. An annoyed grunt was the only response she got. "Today I would like to go further back, to your childhood. Would you mind telling me about your father?" An glare was the only response she got. The woman sighed. This would be a long, painful session. "Very well, let's talk about something else. I am very interested to know – at what age did you start losing your hair?" Lex Luthor tensed at this, very noticeably, and the psychiatrist decided she had hit a nerve. The man actually replied, although in an annoyed manner: "Early" – "Oh, I see. It must have been very difficult to cope with, wasn't it?"- "Well, yes…" The psychiatrist did a victory dance, in her mind, that was.

_A FEW HOURS LATER: _"It… was just not fair, you know? He has this…great hairdo. And so does everyone else, I mean, do you know any bald superheroes? NO! And his hair, Superman's hair is just… great…" – Luthor had been sobbing non-stop ever since he had admitted his desire for hair. Literally. The woman, triumphant and proud, said carefully: "But there are ways…Transplants or fake hair…" The man looked up to her in shock: "It's never occurred to me before" - "That's natural. Sometimes people associate themselves with something so much they can't even conceive the idea of changing it." Luthor jumped up and started to shake her hand enthusiastically.

_A FEW MONTHS LATER: _"You know, Lois, it truly seems that Luthor has given up crime." – commented Clark Kent while watching a now red-haired ex-villain smiling widely at the TV camera. "Yeah, who would have thought all you had to do to reform him was give him a bunch of fake hair…"

* * *

"The fight was in full heat. Every single member of the Justice League were engaged in battle with their foes – Superman and Livewire, Wonder Woman and Circe, Flash and Captain Cold, and so on… Which left me, The Great Menace, alone. Hi, I'm The Great Menace, by the way. I have really cool superpowers – turn people into all kinds of inanimate objects. Well, allright, they only stay like that for three minutes, so what? It's still really cool. How I got there? Well, this is how it happened…

Anyway, so I was just finished sewing my supervillain costume (and no, it looks nothing like a Green Lantern costume, 'cept for the green and black combination) when I saw this group of my collegues attacking this museum. So of course I put my suit on and jump out off the window to lend a helping hand. Well, fine, I tell mom I'm taking a walk in the park and go out the front door.

By the time I caught up with the guys (hey, I can't fly…so I drove…my bike…fine, my sister's bike) the battle was in full heat. And all the Leaguers were busy. So I waited. And then Captain Cold was out cold (heh…get it?) and I took my chance. I tried to turn Flash into a lamp. But, you see, since he runs, like, fast, I missed and hit Circe instead. And Wonder Woman didn't even turned to face me, she yelled something about a back-fired spell and tied the lamp with her lasso. So I take my chances and aim at her, when the princess has her back to me, but she scratches the back of her head and my, well, I really don't have a name for it yet, so my energy-thingy bounces of her bracelet-thingie and hits Livewire. And nobody notices since she is already down and out.

Also, by that time all my other colleagues were down so the League are congratulating each other then suddenly that dumb Superman notices me and flies down and says (ugh!): "Hey, there kid. This is a dangerous place for cosplaying Green Lantern!" So of course I turn him. Into a condom. Come on, you know it was great. It even had that big "S" stamped on it."

Superman shook his head in a tired, but still dignified fashion: "I wish all villains were like this guy" Flash, who had been avoiding his gaze all day since the incident accidentally looked at him, and burst out laughing again, infecting the other Leaguers who joined in. "Oh, come on, it was not funny!"

* * *

"So…this is a pie" – "Yep." –"That you found floating in space around the Watchtower" – "Yep" – "And you want to eat it!?" The Flash just shrugged, while Green Lantern slapped his forehead. "Look, kid, pies don't just float around in space – there's gotta be something wrong with it" The younger man reluctanly agreed, so they headed over to the Watchtower laboratory, where they handed the pie over to J'onn.

An hour later, the martian walked out of the laboratory, puzzled. "It seems to be a regular pie, but it's not" – "What do you mean?" – "Well, it shrieked then I tried to desintigrate it into particles" – "Oh…" – "Hang on, it SHRIEKED?"

The three heroes stood, looking suspiciously at the pie, that lay innocently on the kitchen table. "Maybe we should cut it…" – "You still want to eat it, kid?" – "No, I mean, just…" – "That might help uncover the secret of this pie. But what if by cutting it we unleash some evil force?" – "Evil force? In a pie? Yeah, right, J'onn" With that it was settled. A knife was brought in from the kitchen and with the precision of a surgeon J'onn cut a slice of the pie.

A weird, though sweet-looking, old lady appeared at the moment. She had a big nose, was dressed in pink and had a wooden spoon in her hand. "Hello! Thank you so very much for freeing me from the pie those nasty children put me in!" – "Ehrm…You're welcome" – "Who are you?" – "I am Mother Mae-Eye, of course! Now, if you could just take me to Jump City, please" – "Would you excuse us for a minute, please?" With that, John led his friends outside the room and whispered: "I don't like this lady. She seems way…too sweet" Flash nodded and then his face lit up with an idea: "I know! The Titans are from Jump City, right? So maybe I can ask them…"

The superhero ran to another room, where the communicators were located. A short while later, a loud group shriek was heard, followed by frantic babbling. The Flash then ran by the other two into the room. After a few moments of loud noise he ran back holding the pie, opened an airlock and threw it out. "What?" – "Trust me, you don't wanna know…"

As the pie floated through the endless darkness, a small alien ship approached it and picked it up. The witch inside was still not defeated…

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two souls…" – the priest eyed the gun, that was pointed at him by a henchman, and continued to read from the sheet of paper he'd been given. "…that have been destined to be together…" – this time he eyed the white-clad bride who looked very happy and the tied and gagged groom who appeared terrified, but continued still: "…and there is no greater joy than to watch as two become one, joined with their love…" The bride, a beautiful woman, was nodding and smiling with teary eyes, while the groom struggled to get free from the bonds. "…as they share a unique bond that'll…" – the groom got one hand free, but one of the henchmen hit him and and re-tied it. "…last for all of eternity…" – some noise was heard outside, the bride turned for a minute, waved her hand, while murmuring a spell and two pigs, one in a black cape and cowl with pointy ears and another a greenish one, that immediately turned back into the Martian Manhunter. Circe (for she was the bride) glared at the priest and told him sternly: "Go on and don't stop!" He nodded frantically and proceeded according to the sheet of paper: "Do you, glamorous and handsome movie… star?" He paused and the groom shook his head, as if saying "kind-of". "Take Circe, the powerful, beautiful and most amazing Greek woman ever as your wife?" The groom frantically shook his head, meaning "no", but the henchman with the gun pointed it towads the groom, who changed his shaking to yes. "Do you, Circe, the poweful beautiful and most amazing woman ever, take this man as your husband?" From somewhere far away, a strangled voice called out: "I…d-do..Gerroof me, you green bastard!" "So, by the power invested in me I now pronounce youUUUU" – the yell was due to the fact that the bat-pig ran into him, with all the speed and strength that a pig could muster. Which was a lot. The groom breathed in relief.

The assembled core members of the Justice League stared at the pig in the cape. The pig glared back. Diana smirked evilly. The pig intensified the glare. "So… what are we gonna do now?" Diana cleared her throat and started: "Am I Blue…."

* * *

As the phone rang, Harley picked it up. Not many had this number, to be more precise only one person could be calling the safehouse. "Hey, Red!" – "Did you hear the news? Did you hear what those bastards at LexCorp are planning? Did you?" – "Naah, what happened?" – "They want to kill a rainforest! All those poor, innocent plants…. I won't allow this! Harley! Are you coming with me?" The blonde paused for a moment and then happily replied: "Nope. Sorry, Red" Poison Ivy felt outraged and venomously inquired: "And just why is that, Harley?" The other woman, with even more happiness in her voice, answered: "Because today is the romantic films marathon! I won't miss that! I got my ice-cream and chocolates, my Cleanex and my pajamas all set and ready! You wanna come?" The red-headed villainess asked rhethorically, while an internal battle took place: "That…that's today?" She tried hard to think of rainforests, of poor, innocent plants, but all that she could picture was a big box of candy. And a movie to go with it. The woman in her overcame the plant and she replied quickly: "Sure, be right there…", as she made a promise to work double-hard the next day. But for now….


	5. Chapter 5

Yay! I am back! Been having a bit of a depression, but here is the newest installment of…

SIX THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED

The Watchtower was awfully quiet, which was no surprise, given that Booster Gold was up there alone. Not even Skeetes was up there. Why? Well, an ultra-mega-major crisis had occurred and every single one of Earth's heroes were taking care of it. Except Booster, who was doing monitor duty, in case "something else happened". Truth was, they wanted him out of the way. And that hurt.

Booster Gold was fiddling with a pen, when, suddenly, all the screens lit up. A grey, alien face appeared on them. The man froze for a second and the face started talking: "Glir, glorr-glorr-garrr!" The alien then awaited a response, but all he got was a blank stare and some blinking. He said something that sounded like a curse, the screens went off for a moment and then the face reappeared.

"Have I reached the place known as the Watchtower?" – "Yeah…" – "I demand to speak with the krypronian!" – "He's not here, but I can take a…" – "The martian then!" – "He is not here either, but I am just as…" – "I'll call later!" The screens went blank again. Booster just shrugged.

Two hours later, the screens went on again. "Are they here?" – "Nope." The alien waited for a moment and examined Booster Gold. "Are you a hero as well?" The man grinned: "The best" – "Then you, Earthlings, are not worth conquering" The screens shut off, this time, for good. "I think I just saved a world. Why don't I ever have witnesses?"

* * *

Superman sensed tension the second he walked into the room. Nearly all members of the League were assembled and they didn't look happy. At all. "Good morning, everyone. As you all know by now, due to certain… issues with the Watchtower funding we've been forced to start a line of hero-related merchandise. You all saw the promotional dolls and action figures, now I would like to present our future projects" He nodded at someone and, with a red blur, diagrams and posters appeared on stage.

The kryptonian then started a very long, boring speech, describing the various items, such as a magical card game, a set of chess, theme songs and CD's with the theme songs, Halloween costumes, video games and a feature film with a possible TV-series spin-off.

Seeing that his fellow Leaguers were bored to sleep, Superman decided this was the moment. He took breath and, as quickly as possible, blurted out: "Also a series of adult-oriented novels, films, posters and video games with the forceful participation of the following members: Vixen, Fire, Ice, Huntress, Black Canary, B'wana Beast, Booster Gold and (he gulped) Big Barda. If they fail to do so, we will be prosecuted by the law for not fullfilling the contract. Thank you for your attention" With that, he fled the room.

* * *

It was "Bring your family to the Wathctower, if they know your secret identity, of course" day. Men, women and children explored the satellite, accompanied by a costumed hero or heroine. A group of fifty amazons assaulted the training room, where a few heroes were hiding, while Diana was attempting to explain that the word "darling" was not necessarily chauvinistic. All was well.

The teleporter got activated just as Green Lantern and Hawkgirl had finally decided to talk about their relationship. They looked at the pod and froze. Batman, with an annoyed expression (expression!) on his face, stood there. This would have been odd as it was, but the Dark Knight was not alone.

First their attention was drawn by a young, red-headed woman in a wheel-chair. She wore a domino mask, but had regular clothes on. Another girl was right behind the chair and she was wearing a stylized Batman-costume that fully covered her face and body. A young man, also in a hero costume, stood next to the girls. He also wore a domino mask, and on his chest there was a blue bird emblem. A second guy, slightly bulkier, appeared to have more or less rehular clothes on, but also a bright red mask. The third, probably a teenager, had a red-and-black costume. "Cool!" – he exclaimed when the teleportation is over and jumped off the teleporter.

The rest of the group got off, and chaterring proceeded to the next room. The only words Hawkgirl and Green Lantern could make out were Batman's:"Behave. All of you" After the six of them left, the two heroes stared at each other, trying to shake off the surreal feeling that had invaded them. "So… You done with Mari yet?"

* * *

Flash zoomed through the Watchtower back and forth, before finally pausing in front of Supergirl and Stargirl. He appeared worried. "Girls, have you seen Atom?" They both said no and curiously inquired what was wrong. "Some dangerous wave generator thingy was taken up here yesterday and it somehow got activated. Apparently it blocks Atom's powers or something so…" Flash took a step back, for no particular reason. The squishing sound that came next might have very well been from stepping on a cockroache. Except there were no bugs in space. "Oh no…"

* * *

The window opened and then closed again, alerting the girl in front of the computer about the presence of the Dark Knight. She turned around in her spinning chair, her glasses glistening misteriously in the light of the computer "Hello, Batman. Or should I say, Bruce Wayne?" The shadow moved forward slightly, becoming visible. "How?"

The girl, looking very pleased with herself, shrugged: "Oh, it wasn't that difficult. I am not even that much of a hacker myself. All I did was think logically" The shadow grunted disapprovingly. "First, I found a list online of all the people who had the resources to pay for gadgets, materials and the car, of course. That made about three hundred people in Gotham." She grinned with excitement: "Then I looked up in Wikipedia their biographies to see how many had a reason to chase criminals down. That narrowed it down to twenty, of which fifteen were too old and three too young to be Batman. So… That left two people" She was obviously trying hard not to squeak with excitement.

"One of them had been travelling around the world for the last six months, so Bruce Wayne was the only option left. I sent out an e-mail and, well, there you are"

"What do you want?" – "Well, nothing really. Just… I'll keep this a secret, of course, but if I cracked your identity with such ease others might too." The shadow waited. "So uhm.. I just… Well, sorry to have bothered you." She looked at the Dark Knight, a little freaked out at last, when he finally turned around and was gone with a: "Thanks for the warning" The relieved girl turned back to her computer: "I wonder what Green Arrow would say… Okay, let's find out!"

* * *

Shayera found it by accident. She had for some reason visited the lower levels of the Watchtower and was passing by a supply room, when she heard a familiar voice scream: "Hello! Welcome to the HERO UNDERGROUND" A bit muffled cheers and shushing sound were the answer to that. The Thanagarian pressed her ear against the door, quite intrigued. The same voice, that belonged to a hero she couldn't quite identify, continued. "Tonight is our gambling night and by popular demand we'll be taking bets on the next two subjects". More muffled cheers. "First: How long will it take for Superman to realize the problem with the P.R. contract he signed? And the second is an old favourite: Who will become the new missis Green Lantern, Vixen or Shayera Hol? Come on, place your bets!"

The door fell under the mace, revealing a medium-sized room, decorated with banners and posters, with a bar stand and bar stools, as well as a table. Behind the table there was a blackboard with names and numbers on. A group of heroes, neither of them belonging to the Big Seven, all stared dazzled at Shayera.

She tapped her mace lightly on the palm of her hand. Booster Gold, who had been the one leading the little club, gulped. Shayera walked slowly through the room, followed by silence and dread. She approached the table, grabbed Booster by the collar with one hand and very sweetly asked: "I am more popular than Vixen, aren't I?" Everybody rushed to assure her that so it was.

* * *

Okay, the Atom piece was cruel. But come on, with his kind of powers something of the sort was bound to happen eventually….R&R and see you later!


End file.
